There’s a place, in my mind that I go too when I’m too stressed or overwhelmingly happy or depressed beyond help or when something that is bothering me but I don’t know what.So this place, in my head, it’s nice, it’s beautiful. It has a pool and a water stream. The wind there keeps blowing all the time and it’s always cold. Ever so often it rains and when it rains I wish for thunder and an epic lightening show… Might as well get a view out of it. This one time it snowed, everything thing was drowned in white, id knew eventually it’d go away but I was scared to see everything I knew had gone away. Another instance the winds caught the speeds of a cyclone and this time everything I knew was gone for real. But I needed that place. So I got up and out and started rebuilding the place. Realised where I went wrong and perfected it this time around. I sit there for a hour, sometimes it feels like I’ve only been for seconds there and I had to force myself out because I was needed here, other times I leave my self there for seasons together. Starring, sleeping, observing, listening, living.It’s nice there, this place where I go. I’m all alone there but I never feel lonely there. So when push comes to shove I’ll be there, again because I have a place now. There’s a place.
I am usually the type of person that believe. When I was a kid, I believed that is a mask out there that would make me sarcastic and invincible. Later I thought I had a secret gene in me that would activate when they bully me and I’d dehydrate them because ‘Water power’. I believed in the secret wings I had. The forbidden closet to royalty. Heck! I even was almost sure that I had a secret family out there who waited for me to learn the ways of the ‘common folk’ and when I was ready, I would be a king.
Yup, I was that kid. That one who had his eyes glisten and shine when someone talked about magic and wishes and forever after. I was happy. Emphasis on ‘was’. It’s easy to lose sight of something you can’t see. So did I. Not completely because all this was a part of me and it did die down a notch but there always was a last resort where ‘what if the fairy godmother did pop up?’
The thing is when you grow up… You forget to believe in the small things… The little things, they matter. And when they do come TRUE, they change your life.
As of today, I have successfully wasted a huge chunk of days from study vacation doing absolutely stupid things. Why is this new and annoying? Well, for starters, this is new for me because when I do ‘waste my time’ it is usually for something more important or something useful and what I’ve done thses past days is none of that. I’ve ‘wasted’ my time on people, hopeless, horrible people and their petty arguments, I’ve ‘wasted’ time watching TV series, the once I’ve already watched, and I’ve ‘wasted’ time sleeping, because I was angry and I couldn’t do anything about it but sleep.
Where did this all get me? Nowhere. And no matter how many people tell you this, you will wait it out. You will wait till the breeze turns to storm winds. You will wait till the ground doesn’t stopping shaking no more. You will wait till hell comes down in fire. You will wait till the bells ring. And now you will run along with the regrets and guilt, you will run. You might make it, you might not.
So if you are, waiting on the signs… Don’t. Grab your things and make a run for it. Run as fast as you can. Make it in on time. Do your job. Meet the deadlines. For nothing feels worse than the regret of wasting your time.
The things Aladdin sang to Jasmine. Don’t you want someone you dislike barge in through your balcony, convince you to go away with him and fall head over heels for them? Not sure? Same. Also how does a common athletic thief see the world as “shinning, shimmering, splendid”? Were they just the hallucinations or was it really how he saw the world?
I mean I’m not rich, heck, I don’t even earn but I get money and I have friends and family and even I don’t see the world as that. For me the world has become a poem without any sense. It’s one of those creative pieces where if you just read it once or multiple times, you still won’t get the meaning of it. But if someone explains it to you, you understand. Yet if someone else explains it, the meaning changes.
To all the people that say (scream*) that they need to find a purpose, need to get a reason… Bullshit. You’re not ‘supposed to’ do anything. You just go with the flow, make some choices or NOT. Whatever suits you, whatever makes you happy.
Whatever makes you see the world and you in “Shinning . Shimmering. Splendid.”
Some movie had a dialogue that went something like this “the only good thing about hitting rock bottom is that the only way left to go is UP”. And in so many numerous ways it’s true. Now we know what to do when we hit the ‘inevitable end’, but how do we know that we are closing in at THE crisis?
What is Rock Bottom? Is it Dwayne ‘the Rock’ Johnson’s ass? No, but I wish. Do you know what it feels like growing up from nothing, right up from the bare ground, through troubles and failures and be at what could the epitome of your career and your life. Yeah? Well, that is exactly what happens just before you go down the doom. You are praised, you are worshiped. You are known and respected everywhere you go. And then time hit you and that is where it all begins.
You, because of the success you’ve had before, try to achieve the impossible or maybe even a little bit out of your zone and you fail. But you’ve seen this before and you work again and you fail again but this time you lose something you already had. And this keeps happening. Even when you are at your very best but you still Suck. Yeah… That’s rock bottom.
How do you get out of it? Up.
How exactly? I don’t know.
Please let me know if you discover how.
I wake up everyday after procrastinating for 15 minutes on the bed arguing with myself about how important college is and how low I am on attendance.
People spend an hour’s time over facial cleaning and shower habits and I just rush through everything in 10 so that I don’t miss breakfast.
I don’t like breakfast, they serve horrible breakfast here. So much for a king’s meal.
I like to be the 1st in at college so some how I reach college at 8:30 am when in fact it starts at 9:00.
The lectures, sometimes they are good, sometimes bad.
We have clinical postings everyday, I mostly do nothing and find ways to not do my job yet justify it.
My lunch comprises of ice-creams, chips and occasionally actual food.
Afternoon lectures are sleep through lectures. No one knows what happens there.
I nap, more like sleep through dinner and have fruits later.
Procrastinate a little more about studying and sleep.
All of this, repeated every single day and there’s not one second when I don’t miss you and I really really wish you knew.
In these many years that I dare say ‘I lived’, I’ve seen things, known things, understood the math behind things and I’ve learned. Along the way, when things get rough, I have always found it easier to stare right into the inconvenience and whisper ‘nothing is wrong, I’ll be fine’. How do I know it works? Well, I’m here years later still striving through.
While it might not be the most healthiest thing to do, to ignore a problem and let it rot in the side till it’s nothing but dust, but it is the easier thing to do. When the world has had it’s share to make your life miserable and you spent half of it solving the problems and finding the right way out, heck yeah I’m gonna walk right through the problem like I’m Khaleesi and my troubles are fire. Sir, please! I’m the unburnt. There are no problems.
Everyone of us has done it! Once atleast, even more if you really think about it. I wish I had the mindset to think through every obstacle, every tiny inconvenience and solve it so it won’t repeat again but I don’t and no, I don’t even want to try because I’ve given to much and had nothing come back. So now I rather sit back and scream ‘not today’ to the god of problem solving.
So here I am, lying down on a late Saturday evening, with issues from far and long, waiting to be solved. But if I don’t acknowledge them, they aren’t there.
No, there is no fever, because if there was I wouldn’t be able to study. No, there are no problems with me and my best friend, because if there were I’d be alone again. No, my body isn’t in excruciating pain. No, I don’t want to go home. No, I don’t want to sit down and talk to someone how I really feel.
No… Nothing is wrong, I’m fine. I’m a doctor, I think I’d know if I’m not. So I’m fine.